Getting out of the Friend Zone

Most guys know the pain of the “friend-zone” all too well. But once you know how to start dating a friend you won’t have to suffer that pain any longer. To learn how to turn those platonic friendships into something more intimate, check out the following tips on how to start dating a friend.

Plant the seed

One reason a guy might get stuck in the “friend zone” is because the girl simply has no clue he’s interested in her. And if he’s the type of guy who doesn’t date much or talk openly about his dating life, she may not see you as being particularly interested in dating women at all. If that’s the case an important step when looking at how to start dating a friend is getting the girl to see you in a different light.

What you want is to get the girl to see you as a sexual being with your own wants and desires. How do you do this? By sprinkling in comments about sex and dating into your conversation. Using sexual innuendo for example, will bring sex into the conversation in a fun, playful way. You can also ask her about her dating life and openly talk about your own. Just be sure to keep the conversation light (otherwise you risk become her “therapist”) and positive (i.e. no complaining about your dating life). Talking about your dating life and how none of the girls you’ve met have measured up can then be your segue to expressing your desire to date her.

Increase the sexual tension

A key part of learning how to start dating a friend is learning how to increase sexual tension. That means touching the girl more and more during your conversations. You can start light, by just tapping her elbow and shoulder, and slowly work your way up to resting your hand for longer periods of time on her shoulder, back, leg, etc.

Doing this is going to help you for a few reasons: First, it gets the girl more comfortable with physical contact from you. Secondly, touch releases chemicals in the brain that makes her feel good. As a result she’ll not only feel better when she’s around you, but she’ll begin to crave your touch more and more.

Going for the kiss

Invite the girl over and watch a movie. At the beginning, just look to cuddle with her. Cuddling is no big deal and probably something she’d enjoy, so it’s a safe first step. As time goes on start to stroke her hair, lightly rub her thigh, etc. As the tension builds turn towards her and make eye contact. If she holds that eye contact, slowly lean in for the kiss, stopping when you’re a few inches away. If she doesn’t pull back and continues looking at your eyes or your lips, she’s ready for you to kiss her.

Be direct

Guys who want to learn how to start dating a friend often want to know how to ask the girl out without making it seem like a date. Don’t be one of these guys. If you want a date, ask for it. Invite her out – just the two of you – for drinks, dancing, a trip to the zoo… whatever (for more on what to do on the first date, read this). Be clear and let her know it’s an actual date. Doing so shows you’re a confident man who goes after what he wants, which is going to make you that much more attractive.

Be patient

After seeing you as “just a friend” for so long it may take her a while to wrap her head around the idea of dating you. So if she’s not immediately into it, know that any hesitation may simply be part of the process. She’s got to get used to this new way of seeing you.

If you try the tips above and she doesn’t go for the date or doesn’t want to be kissed, just take it in stride. Let her know it’s perfectly okay if she doesn’t feel the same way at that moment. If you can let her react however she reacts without being fazed, you’re going to come across as incredibly confident and much more attractive. Then as she becomes more familiar with the idea of dating you, she’ll be more inclined to give it a shot.

Date other women

Learning how to start dating a friend isn’t just about learning what to say and do in your interactions with this girl. It’s about showing her that you are the high-value guy she’s been looking for all along. And one way to do this is to continue dating other women.

Actively dating other women is going to help you in a few ways. First, it’s going to get the girl to see you in that dating/boyfriend role. This gives her the chance to imagine what it’d be like if she was that girl by your side. Second, it’ll keep you busy and enjoying your life. By not being so dependent on whether or not that friend wants to date you, you’re going to avoid “needy” behaviors and naturally come across as confident and attractive. Finally, it lets her see that this window may close. It gives her incentive to act soon, before she loses her chance.

Don’t settle

If all you want is to date this girl then don’t settle for being just friends. You don’t want to become the guy sticking around as “plan B” – waiting there while she dates guy after guy. This might pay-off in the movies, but in real life? Not so much. Cutting her loose completely, rather than enduring a friendship you don’t enjoy, is going to make you much happier in the long run. It’ll also be a great test. It gives her the chance to see just how different her life is when you’re not in it. She may discover just how much value you added to her life, and start looking for ways to get you back.

How to learn more

If you found these tips on how to start dating a friend helpful, then be sure to follow the Art of Charm on Facebook. That way you can stay updated on the latest podcasts and articles filled with tips and advice for taking your dating life to the next level.

Brian M - author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he's made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use.

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in Art of Dating, Building A Connection